


The "Fun" Parent

by llyrical



Series: Hellspawn Central [2]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Billdip Parent AU, Cute Kids, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Parenthood, dipper is the responsible parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 18:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4532250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llyrical/pseuds/llyrical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Are you <i>sure</i> you’ll be fine with the kids tonight?”</p>
<p>“Pine Tree, what do you take me for? I’ve been around since the beginning of time, and you don’t think I can watch two kids?"</p>
<p>Billdip Parent AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	The "Fun" Parent

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on tumblr a few days ago, so if it looks familiar, that's why!
> 
> Billdip Parent AU along with Hazel and Makona are credit to me (pokespec) and Vel (ve1art).

“Are you _sure_ you’ll be fine with the kids tonight?”

“Pine Tree, what do you take me for? I’ve been around since the beginning of time, and you don’t think I can watch two kids? _Our_ two kids?”

From the look on Dipper’s face, he clearly didn’t. 

The brunette sighed, pushing a hand through his hair and revealing his hidden birthmark for half a second. “Bill, you don’t exactly have the best reputation for-”

“Hey, I’ve kept ‘em alive for this long, haven’t I? How many years now- how old is Hazel again?” From the unamused stare Pine Tree was giving him, he obviously didn’t find the joke funny. Bill grinned wickedly. “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll keep the little monsters safe.”

\-----

“Can we make cookies for dinner?” was the first thing out of Hazel’s mouth as the door shut behind Dipper. 

It was quickly followed by an excited gasp and an agreed, “Yeah, Dad, can we?” from Makona. 

Bill remembered the list of rules that Dipper had drilled into his head before he left (one of the ones that stood out in this scenario was, _“Have something healthy for dinner, and don’t let them talk you out of it!”_ ) and grinned wickedly. “Of course.” 

The kids whooped and cheered as they ran past him and into the kitchen. Dipper’s voice in his head was yelling about no running in the house. 

Scouring the cabinets for the ingredients and mixing the batter into actual cookie dough was the easy part. Bill read the directions off of the back of the chocolate chip bag and Hazel and Makona took turns mixing the ingredients in. Sure, maybe they turned the electric mixer up a bit too high and some excess batter splashed onto the walls, but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be cleaned up with a washrag- or, more likely, with magic- before Pine Tree got home.

Makona standing on one of the kitchen chairs to reach the counter and nearly knocking it down was one of the lesser parts of the experience, but he was fine in the end and Bill reminded them that him agreeing to make cookies meant that Dipper would never hear about _any_ part of the ordeal.

When it came time to put the balled-up cookie dough into the oven, Bill frowned at the directions. “Well, it says to bake them at 425 degrees for 24 minutes,” the demon informed them, “but I think we could just as easily bake them at 850 degrees for 12 minutes.” 

“That sounds logical,” Hazel agreed, with no hint of the sarcasm that would have been present if those words were leaving Pine Tree’s mouth rather than hers.

“That means we get cookies sooner, right?” Makona asked, eyes wide. 

Bill laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair as he turned the temperature knob on the oven. “Sure does, kiddo.”

The moment he had the oven door shut and the timer set, Hazel was tugging him back towards the living room and Makona was trailing quickly behind them. The little girl was quick to find the remote to turn the TV on, and Bill settled onto the couch and pulled Makona up to sit on his lap. 

Bill watched, amused, as his daughter flipped through channels. With her, it could go the route of a normal seven-year-old and to a cartoon or at least a kids’ show, or it could take the obviously Dipper-inspired route and land on a mystery show. 

Tonight, it seemed to be the latter. Bill rolled his eyes as a grainy _Twilight Zone_ rerun was settled on and Hazel squealed in delight. 

Bill didn’t object when Hazel began to jump on the couch, but when one of her feet landed too close to the edge and she nearly slipped off, he was quick to grab one of her arms and tug her down into a sitting position. “Think that’s enough jumping for you, Sapling.” He tried to keep his tone light despite the worry that he’d been momentarily hit with. He wasn’t Pine Tree. He was the fun parent!

Hazel crossed her arms, huffing indignantly. “I wasn’t gonna fall.” But she didn’t argue, instead leaning forward on her hands and staring at the TV with wide eyes. 

As Bill anticipated, it didn’t take long for Makona to get bored. He squirmed on Bill’s lap, trying to reach across his sister’s lap and grab the remote. The moment she realized what he was doing, she was on her feet (still on the couch) once again, holding it out of reach. Makona followed her, leaping to his feet as well, and Bill’s hand shot out to steady him as he stumbled. 

“This show is boring,” Makona whined, trying to reach the remote. 

“No it’s not!” Hazel responded with wide eyes, looking offended. She was ever the picture of Dipper. “It’s- it’s _interesting_! You just don’t get it!”

A seven-year-old shouldn’t have really _gotten it_ either, but she _was_ Pine Tree’s daughter. 

“That’s because it’s dumb!” 

“It’s _not_ dumb!”

“ _You’re_ dumb!”

“No I’m _not_! Dad doesn’t think I’m dumb! Do you, Dad?”

“Of course not, Sapling.” Well, yeah, kind of. She was a kid, after all, and kids weren’t exactly the brightest, but Pine Tree would have exorcised him for saying that. But Hazel had now retreated all the way onto the arm of the couch, and with Makona looking ready to push her at any moment, Bill wasn’t ready to take that risk. “But you really do need to-” 

Wait, was that smoke?

Bill swore under his breath before tearing off for the kitchen. Makona gasped and Hazel shouted, “That’s a piece of gold for the swear jar!” 

The demon rolled his eyes but snapped his fingers anyway. In the half-full jar on a living room table, a small piece of gold appeared. 

As obvious by the dark gray smoke now clouding the air, the oven was on fire. Well, at first Bill thought that it was just smoking, but opening the oven door (and singing his hand on the handle) revealed that there were _definitely_ flames engulfing that cookie tray. Bill swore again, this time quietly enough to not be heard by nosy children, and let the door slam closed. He waved the smoke away from his face and turned to find the kids. 

They were both standing expectantly at the edge of the kitchen, and despite their petty argument the moment before, Bill felt a surge of pride when he noted that Hazel had shoved Makona protectively behind her. 

“Dad-”

“Don’t even start,” Bill grumbled, turning back to the oven. 

He was almost hesitant to use magic to extinguish the flames, as that level of sorcery would definitely leave a trace that Pine Tree would sense the second he got home. But after looking around futilely for a fire extinguisher- as if they would have one in the home of two skilled magic users- he sighed and snapped his fingers. The flames from within the oven disappeared immediately, though a thicker cloud of smoke began to sneak through the cracks. 

Oh, shit, mortals could get hurt by smoke, couldn’t they? He threw a glance over his shoulder to the kids. “Living room,” he ordered firmly, and luckily, they knew by the tone of his voice not to argue. 

He waved his arms frantically in front of his face, trying to clear the smoke, and hissed when he sucked in a breath of it himself. This time, he used a potholder to grip the handle and open the appliance, and was once again hit in the face by the smoke. He hesitantly eyed up the charred metal tray, no hint of the cookies even visible anymore, before just snapping his fingers and willing it away as well. 

Pine Tree wouldn’t notice if they had one less cookie tray, right?

He grumbled to himself about how _mortal_ this all felt as he shut off the oven, opened up the windows over the sink, and began to wipe down the counter. He ran water in the sink and dumped the dishes in, leaving them to soak. 

Once the rest of the kitchen looked satisfactory, Bill frowned at the oven. Even from the outside, the glass window was charred and blackened. The smell of smoke was thick. 

Oh, well. Bill had already used enough magic to be detected by Dipper (and why did he care if that dumb meatsack didn’t want him using magic around the kids, anyway? He was a demon, and those kids were half-demon!), so he just snapped his fingers again and grinned when the oven looked good as new.

He made his way back out to the living room after glancing around once more to make sure there weren’t any other fire hazards he had missed. He paused at the edge of the room, noting how the two kids were sitting together on the couch. A cartoon was playing on the TV, so Hazel must have given in. Bill was certain it was because the fire had scared Makona. 

They looked expectantly towards him. “Did you burn the house down, Dad?” the boy asked, twisting his body on the couch to face Bill. 

The demon rolled his eyes. “We’re all still in it, aren’t we?” he retorted. The kids just blinked, and he sighed. “Who wants to order pizza for dinner?”

\-----

“Tell us a scary story!”

“Yeah, Dad! Please?”

Bill was shaking his head already. “No. No way. Time for bed.” He picked up both of his squirming children, tucking one under each arm and carrying them towards the bedrooms despite them struggling and yelling for a story.

“Pleeeeeeeeease?”

“Yeah, Dad, I thought you were supposed to be the fun one!”

Bill paused at that. Were his kids, his own kids, insulting his honor?

He ground his teeth before changing his path to enter his and Pine Tree’s bedroom instead. The kids cheered when they realized that they had won, then broke off into fits of giggles when Bill tossed them onto the bed. 

“So, you wanna hear a scary story?” he asked, voice darkening as he edged up onto the bed with them. Both kids nodded eagerly, and Bill stared warily at the younger of the two. Makona was scared of everything. There had to have been some pre-planned persuasion from his sister at some point if _he_ was asking to hear a scary story.

“Papa tells them sometimes, but his are always boring,” Hazel complained. “So yours have to be better! Like, actually scary!”

A wicked smile was tugging at the corner of his lips, and by the way the kids’ eyes widened, he was sure his own eyes had been flashing blue. “I can do better than that.” And with that, he pulled them into the mindscape.

The kids “ooh”ed and “ahh”ed and everything else Bill would have expected from children witnessing the mindscape for the first time. The world was painted in black and white, and Bill warped it to look like a wooded landscape. Like Gravity Falls.

“Dad, what is this place?” Makona asked in a timid voice, tugging on one of Bill’s sleeves. 

He offered the five-year-old a grin. “This is _my_ realm, kid.”

They wanted to see something scary, and while Bill could certainly open up the gates of Hell itself and flood the mindscape with its creatures, he knew that Dipper wouldn’t hesitate to take the kids to stay with Shooting Star if he thought that Bill was actually a threat to them. So, he’d summon something mild. A creature that could be found easily in the Gravity Falls woods. 

The Gremloblin came charging towards them, and all that could be heard over its roaring was Hazel’s cutting scream. Makona’s grip on his sleeve moved down to latch onto the demon’s hand. It only took half a second for Hazel to get a grip on him as well, her scream dying down into a terrified squeak as she stared in horror at the monster. 

It roared again, and Hazel practically clawed him like a cat as she tried to climb up his arm. 

“Too much?” Bill asked. He waved his hand and made the creature disappear right before it would have run smack into them. The mindscape died down into silence broken only by the scared whimpers of his children, both of whom were still clinging to him as if the creature might come back if they let go. 

Bill sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut and when he opened them again, he was back sitting on his and Pine Tree’s bed. The kids opened their eyes immediately afterwards and looked around, confused. When they seemed to realize that they were no longer in the mindscape, they both threw themselves onto Bill and latched their arms around his neck. 

He brought his arms up to secure them there, hands landing in their hair, and mentally cursed himself. Right. They were still too young for that. 

Why had it been so funny to scare Pine Tree as a child, but this just made Bill feel bad? 

The kids refused to leave his side. Even when he suggested that they get changed into their pajamas, they just shook their heads and clung harder to him. There wasn’t much he could do to resolve this besides call Pine Tree and admit defeat, so he just accepted it. 

He laid there with them, Hazel on his right side and Makona on his left, for hours. He was tempted to just knock them out with dream magic, give them good dreams, but after Makona cried about wanting “to see Papa and make sure he’s alright,” Bill knew that this was a battle he wouldn’t win either way. 

They stopped talking around 10:30, and their breathing had gone shallow enough that Bill was almost convinced that they had fallen asleep, tucked underneath his arms. But the second the front door opened around 11:00, they were jumping up and running out into the living room to greet Dipper. 

Bill trailed out a bit hesitantly after them, just in time to hear Dipper confusedly asking them what they were still doing up and why they hadn’t changed into their pajamas. By the time he spotted Bill, he had already picked up both of the kids. He mouthed, ‘What happened?’ over their heads. Bill offered him a grin, and his confused stare melted into a glare. 

“Please don’t leave us alone again!” Hazel wailed, voice muffled by Dipper’s shoulder. The man looked a bit panicked. 

“I don’t want the monster to get us, Papa!” Makona added, sounding like he was in tears again. 

Dipper attempted to soothe them, still looking confused but assuring them that there were no monsters coming to get them. When Bill approached them, he could see just how livid Pine Tree looked. 

“What did you _do_?” the man hissed. He shifted his weight, trying to balance the two kids, and Bill reached out to take Makona from him. The little boy struggled for only a second before going limp and winding his arms around Bill’s neck instead. 

“It’s all good, Pine Tree,” Bill assured him. “We had fun.”

“Dad was going to let the monster eat us!” Hazel accused, tearing her face away from Dipper’s neck long enough to look at Bill. Her glare could have put Pine Tree’s to shame.

Bill brought his free hand up to his chest in mock offense. “Grebloblins only eat _good_ children,” he hissed. Hazel gasped, Makona whimpered, and Dipper looked like he was about to have a heart attack. 

He pulled Makona back from Bill before setting both kids down on the ground. They both looked hesitant to let go of him. 

“Go get changed for bed, and then you guys can sleep with us, okay?” Dipper offered, smiling at them. They nodded and he ruffled their hair before they took off for their rooms. 

The second their respective doors closed, Dipper straightened up. His stare was cold enough to freeze over Hell. 

“‘Gremloblins?’” he echoed.

“It was a productive night.” Bill grinned sheepishly, shrugging. 

Pine Tree sucked in a sharp breath, opening his mouth to retort. It promptly snapped closed as he looked over towards the kitchen. 

Oh, right. 

Pine Tree’s glare intensified as it landed back on Bill, this time for a different reason. 

“Why does it smell like _smoke_ in here?”


End file.
